Love in the time of Coronavirus: Is it safe to have sex during COVID-19 self-isolation?

These are not exactly the sexiest of times. A notice about sex and coronavirus from New York City’s public health department went viral last weekend, as it outlined specifically how to enjoy sex while preventing the spread of COVID-19.  “The virus can spread through direct contact with their saliva or mucus,” the notice states. NYC health recommends having sex only with a partner that you live with and no one outside your household.  Safe sex has taken on a whole new meaning.

It also details how to practice safe sex hygiene within the parametres of your home while being mindful of the coronavirus. Even if you live with your partner, you may want to skip sex if anyone has COVID-19 or isn’t feeling well, or if a partner has a medical condition that weakens their immune system. Masturbation is also a recommended alternative — just be sure to wash your hands. “You are your safest sex partner,” the PSA noted.

There needs to be more discussion from public health bodies on how to navigate sex at this time, says Samantha Bitty, a Toronto-based sexual health educator and relationship expert. Abstinence-only messages without providing messaging about online alternatives prevent the public from being truly informed, she said.

“A lot of people are taking this seriously, and a lot of people are not informed or they’re scared or don’t have the tools,” says Bitty, adding that some people are flouting social distancing reminders.  “When making the choice to move sex online, it’s important to be educated and informed about how to do so safely. Know why you want that kind of connection right now, and whether you want it to be casual or not. “What is my intention? Am I looking to fill a void, am I looking to be entertained? Do I actually want to build something?”

Bitty says that now is a good opportunity to assess your wants and needs, so you can approach engaging with people online in a meaningful way where your intent is clear.  For example, if cybersex is new for you, ease into it and see what feels comfortable. You can start with sexting and then send pictures or move to video if you feel ready for that. “Establish your boundaries around what [sex] looks like in this communication,” says Bitty. “Sexting can be really exciting because it’s a way to explore fantasies or scenarios.”

Ensure you’ve had a discussion around consent and privacy and decide whether concealing your identity is important to you, especially with sexy photos.  Bitty explains, “Ask any potential partner: “what are you into? what are your soft and hard boundaries,” along with asking what they like or what they want.”

“When you’re sexting it doesn’t have to be hugely explicit,” said Jess O’Reilly, a Toronto-based relationship expert and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast. “It can be playful and it can be romantic.”  If you’re sending images, don’t feel pressured to include your face or your entire body. You can wear clothing as well if you prefer.

“You might take shots with a selfie stick, or turn the lights down low so you leave something to their imagination,” says O’Reilly, adding, “You might want to consider voice notes … for those of us who love the sound of our partner’s voices.”

Other than cybersex, now might be a good time to engage with your own body and appreciate it, even in a non-sexual way. Regardless, this is a time to be highly communicative with your needs to any kind of partner, including one you live with. Those quarantined with one partner may feel “touched out” and need space sometimes. “One person cannot meet all your social and emotional needs. It’s time to reach out to support systems … anyone with whom you can connect to digitally,” says O’Reilly.

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